Sub-Atomic Management: No Flash in the Pan

Announcing the introduction of the IntelliTrends 20/20 Sub-Atomic Management System at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. yesterday, Intellitrend 20/20's CEO, Kip Westlake, told reporters: "Sub-Atomic Management, or SAM, is the answer that managers have been seeking ever since Frederick Taylor proved that employees are not passionately committed to the goals of their organizations."

Westlake recounted the development of SAM as "another example of how at Intellitrends 20/20 we don't settle for modifying employee behavior through merely psychological means." Explaining that SAM grows out of the results of a carefully controlled experiment in which middle-aged employees of the Social Security Administration were bombarded with the sub-atomic DNA structures of top Harvard Business School graduates, Westlake strenuously defended molecular modification as the wave of the future. "If you want real change, you have to go after sub-atomic structures," he insisted. "The effects of psychological re-engineering degrade over time. Carrots lose their savor. Sticks lose their sting. Changes at the sub-atomic level tend to be much more stable."

Asked why middle-aged employees of the SSA were used as test subjects, Westlake told reporters that project partners, The Harvard Business School, MIT's Laboratory for Nuclear Science, and Santeria, L.L.C., deemed this population most resistant to the now universally accepted economic law that only markets can create value and virtue, as well as the spiritual law that passion for business can only be inculcated through the practice of Santeria. "Older government employees are the last hold-outs," Westlake commented. "They actually believe against all the evidence that government can and even should serve the interests of its citizens. And many of them are atheists to boot."

In conjunction with the introduction of the Intellitrends 20/20 Sub-Atomic Management System, Westlake released the findings of a survey conducted among the 253 bombarded Social Security employees that revealed a near complete rejection of the underlying assumptions of that agency. Before bombardment only 11% of the test subjects agreed with the statement "Government interference in citizens' economic lives should be outlawed as it undermines the iron laws of supply and demand." In the post-bombardment survey, 98% agreed.

"I can't believe how little I care what happens to old people now," confirmed sub-atomic test subject Evelyn Holsapple, 58 years old, a 34-year veteran of the SSA who spoke briefly at the press conference. "Although I'm getting old myself and will need my Social Security money soon, I'd rather die than be a ward of the state or feel anything less than totally passionate about business."

Summing up, CEO Westlake said: "At Intellitrends 20/20 we have the insight and the technical know-how to convert every man, woman and child on this planet into a highly-paid, spiritually-fulfilled business consultant. What could be better than that?"